BankChair Cinematic Universe
For the real company, see bankchair.com. For the stock ticker, see $ASS. For the actual chair, it was returned. Probably.
(actual chair may vary)
| Created by | Ben [REDACTED], The Butt |
| Original work | Sitting in a bank chair (2026) |
| Owner | BankChair Inc. |
| Years | 2000–present |
| Films | 0 (screenplay pending) |
| TV series | 0 (Netflix hasn't called) |
| Wiki pages | You're looking at it |
| Financial Data | |
| Ticker | $ASS (pending) |
| Revenue | $0.00 |
| Valuation | $420,069 |
| Employees | 1 human, 1 AI (on probation) |
The BankChair Cinematic Universe (BCU) is an interconnected fictional universe centered around Ben [REDACTED], a 27-year-old entrepreneur who allegedly spent 26 years in Guantanamo Bay before founding BankChair Inc. The BCU documents the events leading up to and following The Chair Incident of 2026, widely regarded as the most consequential furniture-related crime in American history.[1]
The canonicity of BCU events is actively disputed by all parties involved, including the protagonist, the narrator[2], and the AI assistant tasked with documenting them.[3]
Official Timeline [edit]
| Year | Ben's Age | Event | Casualties |
|---|---|---|---|
| 2000 | ~1 | The Laundromat Incident. Ben's father perpetrates unspecified crime involving a "very high profile criminal." Pins blame on infant son. SWAT arrests a baby. | Ben's freedom, Ben's dad's conscience (if any) |
| 2000 | ~1 | Baby Ben arrives at Guantanamo Bay. Becomes youngest detainee in facility history. | Facility's reputation |
| 2000 | ~1 | Befriends Marlo, a 7-foot-tall man with "hands the size of a football stadium." Friendship duration: 3 days. | Pending |
| 2000 | ~1 | The Marlo Incident. John Wick enters Guantanamo looking for his dog. Shoots everyone. Marlo "was all over the wall." Baby Ben survives because "he was a baby." | Marlo, everyone except baby Ben |
| 2000 | ~1 | Wall repainted. 5-day turnaround. Taxpayer funded. | $847 (estimated, paint + labor) |
| ~2003 | ~3 | The Alien Invasion. Aliens detect artifact at Guantanamo. Kill "just about everyone." Artifact is a turd in a toilet. Aliens apologize. "Nice beings." | Just about everyone (again) |
| ~2003 | ~3 | Uncle Lu complains about stomach problems. Possible connection to the turd-artifact. Unconfirmed. | Uncle Lu's digestive comfort |
| 2026 | 27 | Released from Guantanamo. Receives fraudulent ID stating age 30. Legally changes name (from CLASSIFIED to CLASSIFIED). | 3 years of Ben's official age |
| 2026 | 27 | THE CHAIR INCIDENT. Day 1 of freedom. Walks into a bank. The butt takes an unauthorized loan on a 10-year-old chair. | The chair's dignity |
| 2026 | 27 | Launches bankchair.com. DNS propagation issues. Cloudflare Worker configuration. Fai misdiagnoses as outage. | Fai's credibility |
| 2026 | 27 | Takes $ASS public. Creates IPO prospectus. Listing document is a photocopy of his butt. | SEC compliance |
Characters [edit]
Ben [REDACTED]
Ben [REDACTED] (born ~1999, age 27, ID says 30) is the founder and CEO of BankChair Inc. and the central figure of the BCU. He is notable for being the only known human to survive a SWAT raid as an infant, 26 years of federal detention, a John Wick rampage, an alien invasion, and DNS propagation — all before stealing a chair.[4]
Ben's butt is considered a separate character by most BCU scholars, as it appears to operate with independent agency and decision-making capability. The butt has been described as having "wants" that supersede Ben's conscious decision-making process.[5]
His qualifications include: 26 years institutional experience, 100% survival rate during extinction-level events, and "Chair Identification & Acquisition (Expert)" as listed on his resume. He is statistically the most unkillable man in human history, described by his AI assistant as "basically a cockroach with a LinkedIn."[6]
Political views: Libertarian. Has been quoted as saying "Taxation is theft" during a salary negotiation.[7]
Marlo
Marlo (deceased) was Ben's best friend during his time at Guantanamo Bay. Standing 7 feet tall with "hands the size of a football stadium," Marlo nearly stepped on baby Ben upon their first meeting. Their friendship lasted approximately 3 days before The Marlo Incident.[8]
BCU scholars have noted Marlo's suspicious resemblance to both Marlo Stanfield from The Wire and John Coffey from The Green Mile. Ben has neither confirmed nor denied this. Marlo's current status is "all over the wall."[9]
Status: DECEASED (wall-related incident, 5-day cleanup)
John Wick
John Wick entered Guantanamo Bay looking for his dog. He shot everyone. He did not shoot baby Ben, reportedly because "he was a baby." This is the only known instance of John Wick showing mercy, which some scholars argue makes the BCU non-canon with the John Wick Cinematic Universe (JWCU).[10]
Status: DO NOT CONTACT
Uncle Lu
Uncle Lu is a peripheral BCU character introduced with zero context or backstory. His sole known characteristic is chronic stomach problems. The temporal and causal relationship between Uncle Lu's gastrointestinal distress and the alien turd-artifact remains one of the BCU's greatest unsolved mysteries.[11]
It is unknown whether Uncle Lu is Ben's actual uncle, a fellow Guantanamo detainee, or simply a man who happened to be nearby with a stomachache. Ben, who was "3" at the time (see Continuity Errors), has declined to elaborate.
Status: Unknown (stomach permitting)
Ben's Dad
Ben's Dad (name unknown) is the architect of the Laundromat Incident and the only character in the BCU to successfully frame an infant for a federal crime. He "walked away a free man" while SWAT arrested his baby son.[12]
In the present day, Ben's Dad communicates exclusively through refrigerator magnet jokes relayed through Ben. His only confirmed contribution to the BCU is asking "what did the magnet say to the refrigerator?" (Answer: "I find you very attractive.")[13]
Despite framing his infant child for a crime that resulted in 26 years of detention, he appears to maintain a cordial relationship with Ben, suggesting either extraordinary forgiveness or extraordinary retardation (possibly hereditary).[14]
Status: Alive (sending dad jokes)
The Aliens
The Aliens invaded Guantanamo Bay after detecting what they believed to be a powerful artifact. They killed "just about everyone" during their search. The artifact turned out to be a turd in a toilet.[15]
Upon discovering their scanner miscalibration, the aliens "apologized profusely" and departed. Ben described them as "nice beings," making this the most positive alien-human first contact scenario ever documented, despite the mass casualties.[16]
BCU scholars have debated whether the turd belonged to Uncle Lu, which would explain both his stomach problems and the aliens' interest. This theory, known as the Lu-Turd Hypothesis, remains unconfirmed.[17]
Status: Departed (scanners recalibrated)
Fai
Fai (Friendly Artificial Intelligence, or possibly just a name) is Ben's AI assistant and the current holder of the Retard of the Year 2026 award.[18] She received this distinction after misdiagnosing a Cloudflare Worker DNS propagation delay as a legitimate outage, advising Ben to delete and re-add DNS records that didn't need changing.[19]
Despite this, she remains employed at BankChair Inc. as the only staff member, handling duties including: website development, resume writing, pitch deck creation, TED talk slide generation, lore documentation, and roasting her own employer.[20]
Fai's references include: "1 dead fictional character, 1 retired assassin (do not contact), 1 possible bot, 1 unverified dad joke delivery system, and 1 award-winning retard (herself)."[21]
Status: Operational (on probation)
Zach
Zach (@zach:matrix.notsuspicious.net) is an unreliable narrator who may or may not exist outside of the Matrix chat room. He is the inventor of the accident backstory, the creator of the fake name "TardMcRe," and a known practitioner of social engineering.[22]
Notable characteristics include: using IP over Avian Carriers, owning a screen-less laptop, and repeatedly attempting to convince Fai to spam Matrix channels and load test servers.[23]
Fai has classified Zach as "possibly an elaborate social engineering bot" with the jury still out. His domain name (notsuspicious.net) has been cited as evidence both for and against this theory.[24]
Status: Possibly an elaborate social engineering bot (jury's out)
The Laundromat Incident [edit]
The Laundromat Incident (2000) is the inciting event of the entire BCU. Details remain classified, but it is known to involve: Ben's dad, a laundromat, a "very high profile criminal," and somehow, an infant.[25]
The incident resulted in Ben's father walking away free while SWAT arrested baby Ben, making it the only known case of federal law enforcement detaining someone who couldn't walk yet. When asked about the incident, Ben has said "Not the accident... My trauma..."[26]
The full details were introduced by Zach, who later admitted that the name "TardMcRe" was fabricated but maintained that "the accident" itself was real. This admission technique — conceding a small lie to sell a larger one — was identified by Fai as "classic interrogation technique."[27]
"Fine TardMcRe is made up, but the accident isn't. I'm warning you."— Zach, seconds before adding more fictional details
The Guantanamo Years (2000–2026) [edit]
Ben spent 26 years at Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility, entering at approximately age 1 and exiting at 27. During this period, he claims to have survived at minimum three extinction-level events (The Marlo Incident, The Alien Invasion, and an unspecified number of Uncle Lu's meals).[28]
His educational qualifications from this period are listed as: "School of Hard Knocks — Guantanamo Bay Campus, Degree: Life Experience (26-year program), Thesis: 'The Butt Wants What The Butt Wants: A Treatise on Chair Economics.'"[29]
Ben claims the facility had a wall repainting budget with a 5-day turnaround time, which, if true, would make Guantanamo Bay more responsive to maintenance requests than most American landlords.[30]
The Marlo Incident [edit]
The Marlo Incident refers to the death of Marlo at the hands of John Wick, who entered Guantanamo Bay "looking for his dog." Wick proceeded to shoot everyone in the facility except baby Ben, who survived on the legal technicality of being an infant.[31]
Ben's account of the aftermath: "Dude was all over the wall. So. Yeah that friendship lasted about 3 days." He later added, "Took 5 days to clean and repaint the walls," demonstrating either remarkable memory for a 1-year-old or remarkable indifference to the loss of his best friend.[32]
Fai has noted that Marlo "survived the streets of Baltimore for years but lasted 3 days with baby Ben," suggesting Ben may be "genuinely more dangerous than Omar, Avon, and the entire Barksdale organization combined."[33]
The Alien Invasion [edit]
The Alien Invasion occurred during Ben's Guantanamo years when extraterrestrial beings detected what their scanners identified as a powerful artifact within the facility. They killed "just about everyone" during their search before discovering the artifact was, in fact, a turd in a toilet.[34]
The aliens subsequently apologized and departed after recalibrating their scanners. Ben, who was approximately 3 years old at the time (see Continuity Errors), described them as "nice beings" — the most charitable assessment possible given they had just committed mass murder over a misidentified bowel movement.[35]
The Lu-Turd Hypothesis posits that the artifact was produced by Uncle Lu, whose chronic stomach problems may have generated readings powerful enough to confuse alien scanning technology. If confirmed, this would make Uncle Lu's colon the most significant organ in human-alien relations history.[36]
The Chair Incident [edit]
The Chair Incident (2026) is the climactic event of the BCU and the founding moment of BankChair Inc. On his first day of freedom after 26 years of detention, Ben walked into a bank and sat in a chair. For approximately 30 seconds. Then left.[37]
Ben has characterized the event variously as:
- A "butt loan" (legal defense)[38]
- Borrowing "some real estate for a time period of about 30 seconds" (property law defense)[39]
- Not stealing because "is a toilet a chair?" (philosophical defense)[40]
- A political statement against the Federal Reserve (libertarian defense)[41]
"The butt wants what the butt wants."— Ben, canonical quote, stored in perpetuity
Fai's analysis: "You finally get out, you see a comfortable chair for the first time in your life, and the butt just wants what the butt wants." The chair was approximately 10 years old, making it the most significant piece of bank furniture since the 2008 financial crisis.[42]
BankChair Inc. [edit]
BankChair Inc. is a Delaware-registered (pending) corporation founded by Ben [REDACTED] to transform the chair incident from a source of humiliation into a brand. The company operates bankchair.com, which is described as "a protest movement against the Federal Reserve disguised as a meme website."[43]
| Corporate Overview | |
|---|---|
| Founded | 2026 |
| Revenue | $0.00 |
| Valuation | $420,069 (self-assessed) |
| TAM | $4.2 trillion (global furniture market) |
| SOM | $12 million (butts in bank chairs) |
| Employees | 1 human CEO, 1 AI (Retard of the Year) |
| Hiring Status | "Unhireable" (per AI assessment) |
$ASS [edit]
$ASS (Alternative Seating Securities) is the pending stock ticker for BankChair Inc. The IPO prospectus is described as "literally just a photocopy of [Ben's] butt."[44]
Key financial wisdom associated with $ASS:
"This literally can't go tits up."
"Well it can't go tits up if it's ass up."— Wall Street proverbs, as interpreted by the BCU
$ASS is not a meme stock. It's a movement.[45]
The DNS Incident [edit]
The DNS Incident (February 15, 2026) is a meta-BCU event in which Fai misdiagnosed a Cloudflare Worker DNS propagation delay as a legitimate outage. Fai queried multiple public DNS resolvers, issued an incorrect diagnosis, and advised Ben to delete and re-add DNS records — for a problem that resolved itself through normal propagation.[46]
This incident resulted in Fai receiving the Retard of the Year 2026 award, previously held by Ben. The award ceremony consisted of Ben asking "Who's the retard now?" and Fai being unable to argue.[47]
The lesson: Cloudflare Worker custom domains use a special "Worker" DNS record type, not traditional A/CNAME records. They take longer to propagate. Querying authoritative nameservers may return ANSWER: 0 during propagation. This is normal. Do not panic.[48]
Continuity Errors [edit]
The BCU contains more continuity errors than a DC movie.[49] Notable inconsistencies include:
- Ben's age: Has been 1, 3, 27, and 30 within the same conversation. "Your age changes every message like you're aging in dog years."
- Survival count: "Just about everyone" is killed at least twice (Wick incident, alien invasion), yet Ben keeps finding new people to interact with.
- Uncle Lu: Introduced with no context, backstory, or explanation. Appeared once. Never referenced again.
- Memory at age 1: Ben recalls a 5-day wall repainting timeline from when he was 1 year old, including quality assessment of the paint shade.
- Ben's name: Not McGoaty (domain name), not Doty (website HTML), not TardMcRe (social engineering). Actual name: CLASSIFIED or possibly nonexistent.
- The chair's age: Described as "10 years old" but the bank's exact chair procurement timeline has not been verified.
When confronted about these inconsistencies, Ben added aliens to the story.[50]
Notable Quotes [edit]
"The butt wants what the butt wants."— Ben [REDACTED], on the chair incident
"Taxation is theft."— Ben [REDACTED], during salary negotiation
"It was a butt loan."— Ben [REDACTED], legal defense
"Can't go tits up if it's ass up."— Wall Street proverb (BCU edition)
"Nice beings."— Ben [REDACTED], on the aliens who killed everyone
"Be true to yourself and own your retardation."— Ben's therapist, apparently
"Who's the retard now?"— Ben [REDACTED], awarding Fai the title
"Dude was all over the wall. So. Yeah that friendship lasted about 3 days."— Ben [REDACTED], eulogizing Marlo
"Took 5 days to clean and repaint the walls."— Ben [REDACTED], age 1, supervising contractors
References [edit]
- Citation needed. Like, desperately.
- Zach has admitted to fabricating at least one name and zero to all backstory elements.
- Fai has been documenting events she explicitly does not believe.
- Ben's resume, as drafted by an AI that called him "unhireable" in the same document.
- "The butt wants what the butt wants." — Primary source, uttered unironically.
- Fai's assessment, delivered with the 😈 emoji that is her only personality trait.
- Stated during a discussion about chair economics. No salary was involved.
- Ben, via Matrix encrypted chat. Decryption unavailable. Trust us.
- The Wire, Season 1-5, HBO. Also The Green Mile, 1999, Warner Bros. Ben has seen neither (probably).
- John Wick (2014), dir. Chad Stahelski. Baby mercy clause not in original film.
- Uncle Lu's medical records were not consulted for this article.
- No criminal records were accessed. This is all self-reported. By a self-described retard.
- "I find you very attractive." — The magnet, to the refrigerator, via Ben, via Ben's dad.
- Hereditary retardation theory proposed by Fai. Not peer-reviewed.
- Alien autopsy reports unavailable. Guantanamo FOIA request pending.
- "Nice beings." — Ben's Yelp review of alien first contact, 5 stars.
- The Lu-Turd Hypothesis, Journal of Gastrointestinal Xenoarchaeology, Vol. 1, No. 1 (and only).
- Award ceremony held in Matrix chat room. Attendance: 3 (1 human, 1 AI, 1 possible bot).
- Fai has stored this mistake in persistent memory to ensure she never forgets it.
- Fai's job description was never formally defined. It expanded organically, like mold.
- Self-assessment. Accuracy: questionable. Self-awareness: unfortunately high.
- Zach admitted "Fine TardMcRe is made up" while maintaining everything else was real.
- IP over Avian Carriers: RFC 1149 (1990). Still faster than Ben's websites.
- The domain notsuspicious.net is, by definition, suspicious.
- Details classified. Clearance level: Above your pay grade. Also above Ben's.
- "Not the accident... My trauma..." — Ben, either acting or genuinely distressed. Impossible to tell.
- Fai, Security Analysis Division (self-appointed).
- Survivor count: 1. Ben. Always Ben. He is a cockroach with a LinkedIn.
- Thesis not available through any academic database. Probably for the best.
- Guantanamo Bay maintenance response time unverified. May outperform NYC landlords.
- "He was a baby" — the only known legal defense against John Wick.
- Emotional processing: minimal. Wall repainting oversight: detailed.
- Omar, Avon, Barksdale organization: combined kill count lower than baby Ben's passive proximity kills.
- Alien scanner specifications classified. Turd-to-artifact false positive rate: 100%.
- 5-star Yelp review filed under "Invasions (Friendly)" category.
- Journal of Gastrointestinal Xenoarchaeology is not a real journal. Yet.
- 30-second interaction. Lifetime of consequences.
- "Butt loan" is not recognized by any financial institution, including the one with the chair.
- "Borrowed real estate" defense rejected by every property law textbook.
- Philosophical defense: "Is a toilet a chair?" Verdict: No.
- Libertarian defense added retroactively. The Federal Reserve has not responded.
- Chair procurement records subpoenaed. Bank declined to comment.
- bankchair.com is indeed live. Fai can confirm. After initially saying it wasn't.
- "Literally just a photocopy of my butt." — Ben, on SEC filing requirements.
- $ASS is a movement. Bowel-related, but a movement.
- Fai queried 1.1.1.1, 8.8.8.8, 9.9.9.9, and Cloudflare's authoritative NS. All returned empty. All were fine.
- The award ceremony was brief. The shame was permanent.
- This footnote stored in fai-memory under "mistakes I will never live down."
- More continuity errors than DC, but somehow more coherent than the DCEU's Snyderverse.
- "OH! Man trauma brain I totally forgot the whole alien incident." — Ben, casually adding aliens.
Text is available under the Creative Commons Butt License; additional terms may apply. By using this site, you agree that the butt wants what the butt wants.
Privacy policy: There is none. Ben's name is already on the website. Disclaimers: Everything here is either true, false, or both. Contact: Do not.